I have been invited to another lunch, the masterchef one and here is how it goes:

Woke up at eight in the morning; showered. Got ready, picked up Hugh from the station, painted my nails with the nail polish i bought from boots on the way while there, and arrived at the hotel. Drink, canapes, chat, drink, music, speach, drink, canape, starter, drink, smoke and chat, drink, music, speech about sociological issues and others such as a specific neurological disease which I am ashamed not to remember the name of now, drink, chat, main; lots of mains, all lovely colourful food served in lovely plates and around your arms on the table you, the typical you, had many forks and spoons and knives, and many different wine glasses and a champagne glass which was always full, and there was always a choice of white or red wine, and port and in the end there was a cocktail which looked interesting. It was orange but didn’t taste that interesting. I guess it was light and sweet and springy. And in between, there were a few speeches and a famous Scotch music band which were wearing traditional clothes and playing traditional instruments played some very good music, and there were some very good performances, etc. Given by some very interesting people. For example, Godfrey Macdonald; the scotch noble man. Even though he couldn’t attend the party and had to send a letter which was read out loud by the madam speaker, But, the good thing was that it felt like I actually met him. And that he was a very interesting person. And Frany and I actually remembered his name. And so now, we always tell people, if they bother us at the pub or something, that they should really “bang off! Cuz we know Godfrey Macdonald. And that we’ll report them to him and that he’s a fixer so he’ll know how to fix them”. 

For you, cuz you weren’t there, even though you know Godfrey, I am explaining all these things so that you understand how My friend Franny and I have agreed that if we ever get lost or something terrible happens, to always meet at your addresse. And we already discussed that you might be a bit shocked when either of us turns up, say in 10 years, unannounced and out of the blue in your house. And decided that we should write a letter about it to you and read it to you on our arrival. And I myself decided that even though, I was writing this letter already before the lunch, I didn’t really understand my own reasons. And it just felt that I was there for a reason. That I had been invited there before I knew it. 

After a long search, because my name like some other guests was not on a card but on the list as mere “ guest”. So we were not amongst the most important people  even though we really were. Take for example Godfrey, even though he had covid: “what a shit” and he was annoyed and at home and feeling sick, or it could really be that we weren’t among the most important people, and Godfrey was among the most important people this Tuesday and Covid is as good a reason as any, and who knows? Other than well, you! So where were we?

I mean I personally don’t care, but I’m sure Franny would because she likes questions and to make her happy you only need to go to her with a question and maybe a spliff or a drink or a hug, or anything other than something bad like a bad idea or a bad behaviour or a bad thought! Hmm, actually, you can go to her with a bad thought. I have tried that one but then she will turn that into a good one or at least something explainable and therefore if for example it’s a problem that currently exists it is solvable and if it is something that has happened in the past even if it is not solvable or even rationalisable, it is something explainable that one can in a way understand and cope with. So, either way, it’s fine. 

Now, time is ten at night and I am looking through all the six bags on the table to see if I can find my bra. The next table is also us. We are standing in three crowds. There is Michael, Hugh’s business partner, along with  the other Michal who was sat next to Euen who was sat on my left and for whom I thought I originally rolled one, but apparently a couple of cigarettes, and smoked one together out in the garden and with whom we had already said goodbye wishing “ to smoke another cigarette together again”. Harry is moving around between that group and the one consisting of all the chefs. They all find me beautiful. I find chefs a bit scary. It feels like they look at you like food. I have an irrational fear of being cooked and eaten when they are looking at me. And right now, not finding my bra is pissing me off. 

Here, this is what happened; half way through the party I felt uncomfortable, went to the ladies room , a very nice one I might add; a highly stylish pink one full of furniture and flowers and cushions and everything a lady might need in their room and more. Took the bra off. Took a little pee, came out, washed hands, moisturised; as every lady should do, looked in the mirror – only for a second- forgot the bra, champagne, laugh, dance, chat, food, chat, toilet, found the bra sitting there, discretely carried it to the bag which contained gifts and was hanging from my seat along with my shoulder bag, the one I think I grabbed when leaving. But, I can’t find the bra. And that’s all it takes for me to have a slightly bad mood. From there, there is another pub; conor from hospitality , Jake from this morning who is also a chef, and Paul and Harry and I, cuz Hugh left before the party ended anyway. And, you know what, I am glad Michael found him the next day at the restaurant we know doing what.  And he said “ at best behaviour” sitting next to Michael at the party. Ahahaha! I cannot find anything funnier indeed. And I guess, that was the masterchef lunch; extravagant, beautiful, long, eventful, including the usual; you know the food, the drink, the fashion, the conversation, the connection, the attention indeed, like Harry says “ I can’t believe the amount of attention you get”. That’s right and I’m modestly dressed like a little intern calling the guys by the first name and chatting away with the new ones till we are buddies. And, yes, I am more important than any of them. And, i am sure you have figured out why!